Why becoming a StepMother is hard...especially if you have no children of your own.

Sometimes it is hard to 100% discipline my SDs. I have the blessings of DH and BM but, they don't get it. There are certain boundaries you cannot cross. I am NOT the parent or relative, for that matter.  It's very frustrating at times.

There are also not a lot of women to ask. A Mom and Step Mom are different. A childless StepMom usually has childless friends who don't want to hear it (but yet are curious...I have someone at work who found my blog and reads it...how and why I do not know). Your friends with kids don't understand or make you feel worse about it.

To explain better, I am referring to a great sample article by StepMom Magazine (a really good positive online source!) to try to explain it.

If you are a SM, a CSM, know someone who is, or a Stepchild; read it!

Top 10 Reasons Why Becoming a StepMom is More Difficult Than Becoming a Mom

"it's not the same"

OH man if I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

A lot of Bio Moms who are Step Moms tell me that I only love my SDs because I have "nothing to compare it too". Maybe not. But I know Love...

It was refreshing to meet a BM who was also a SM tell me she loves her SDs the same as her own daughter.

Why is that so taboo? Why do people always want to force old school thinking of "blood is thicker than water".

I don't love my Mother.

There I said it.

Different views.

A lot of times the bio Father and bio Mother have different views. Typically, we side with our DH's. Not to be an adversary to BM, but we married a person who shares our values and most likely, we agree with him.

But what happens when you disagree with BOTH the BM and your DH?  Do you tell your step child what YOU feel?

This came up for me. I know it is bad to not side with my DH. We must be a united front. However, it was something I felt strongly about. It was something I just could not agree too.

Luckily for me, they really didn't ask my opinion but, I came up with a speech for the future.

"I have to side with your parents because they want  what is best for you".

This way, I am not going against DH and BM OR my beliefs.

Comments FROM ALL STEPMOTHERS are welcomed on this tough subject!

The toothbrush is mightier than the sword!

I was on one of the Stepmother closed groups of Facebook yesterday. A SM posted a story that brought back memories and made me realize something.

A toothbrush is the ultimate significator of the seriousness of a new relationship.

Let me explain...

When I was dating men, I realized it was serious when they said I could leave stuff at their apartments (I even think there was a Sex in the City episode where Carrie was excited Big let her keep stuff at his place). The ultimate item is the toothbrush. Why? Because it is not tucked in a drawer or closet, it's OUT for EVERYONE to see. Not only that, it's usually sitting next to the man's toothbrush..sometimes touching.

Well, what happens when the GF or new SM has her toothbrush mingled in with Dad's? CHAOS!

When I first was dating DH, every other Saturday night I stayed at my MIL's because my place was too small for the kids. I did not mind as I love my IL's and we had many a great night. After 4 years though, I realized it might have been 50% the worst thing I ever done. I should of did it once a month. But I digress (save for another post)...

Anyways, I had a toothbrush there. It was next to DH's (who was living there to save money due to CS). One day, I went to use it and realized it was gone. I looked all over. MIL found it with her cleaning supplies under the sink. She said she didn't remember putting it there. SD1 had a very hard time with me in the beginning (note: things do change and she loves me now). I KNEW she put it there and I WAS not going to use it. I asked her if she put it there and she lied. I could tell she was lying. However, I did not get mad. I realized she was having problems adjusting. This actually helped me realize it and treat her with kid gloves. I let her ALWAYS have her feelings, as well as communication, and I suspect that is why we get along great now. Needless to say, my new toothbrush was securely in a case hidden in the house.

The SM posted a similar story yesterday on the forum. It made me realize the significance of the toothbrush so ladies...
beware.

Leaving a toothbrush in your new beau's bathroom is like opening up a can of worms. Be ready for the attack!

New year, new attutude!

You are fabulous no matter what your child status is. You are amazing. Treat yourself well. Raise your glass, you accomplished a lot. You matter. You are loved.

You can't control your situation but, you can control your happiness. See your glass as half full, not empty.

Start the new year off with this new outlook and I promise it will get better!

Thanks for following my blog, the comments, and the emails. I hope I eased some souls in this difficult journey.

Extend the olive branch

Just try...

My BM invited us over for a drink when we drop the girls off Christmas Eve. My husband asked me what I wanted to do. Much to his surprise, I said yes. My girls are getting older and I have to get used to blended family occasions throughout the rest of my years. I just hope any of my in-laws don't intrude or it becomes a dog and pony show.

I  invited her over Christmas day because it is just going to be her, her DH, and parents. She thanked me but said they had dinner reservations. I told her I am sorry if it felt weird and she said no and was glad we got along.

Would it have been weird for me? To have BM in MY HOUSE? Yes.

But...

The band aid has to come off someday.

Isn't it better to just stop putting off the pain?

The holidays are especially hard for us

I think for any Step Mother it is. For the childless ones, it's even harder. It's a reminder of our situation and it's lack of  control or tradition.

Blogger lets me know how people stumble upon my blog via keywords. I can tell by the search words so many of you are in pain. I understand. This time of year is the worst.

Keep in mind, you may not BE a Mother but you DO have an influence on a child's (or children's ) life more than you may think or know. You are an adult role model. YOU CAN establish new traditions to share. You are not replacing anyone, you are adding/enhancing. I said it once and I will say it again, you can be maternal without being a biological Mother. Some biological Mothers are not maternal at all (My Mother!).

Also, don't try to be so perfect during this time of year. Do your best but don't over extend yourself and keep your expectations realistic. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be of no good to others and also not a pleasure to be around!