Friday, September 27, 2013

I am back from teenage hell

Well...that is not 100% of the reason why I was gone for a while, yet, there are so many reasons why I am back.

I wanted to shake off this feeling only a CSM can understand. I started to pursue goals and dreams only the childless woman can achieve. Let's face it, having kids changes your life and amount of free time. It's changed mine and I am only EOW.

I have achieved a lot of positive things. I have done stuff for ego/monetary gain and some of compassion because you know us CSMs, we have TONS of compassion.

Yet I still can't shake off this feeling. It compounds more and more in my head and heart. It is definitely better than it was 5 years ago, but it rears it's ugly head whenever my MIL smiles at a baby, my DH cries at something his daughters does, or the one that cuts the most; someone gets pregnant.

I don't want to give away too much but someone in my friends circle is pregnant. She has no business having another child. She gets many, I get 0. The injustice is painful and makes it hard to get up sometimes. It would be a heck of a lot easier if I wasn't a SM.

I try to focus on the positive, but I am not an Aunt or something like that.  I have no blood connection to a child. I don't know that "feeling" every woman talks about. What I do know is I have no one to blame but myself which makes it harder. I didn't want kids in my 30's and met my husband later in life.Not too late, at the cusp of too late and it was either leave him or try to get pregnant on my own and that would be stupid for so many reasons. Plus,, he is undoubtedly, the love of my life.

I am back to posting and trying to be positive through the pain. I would love it if people commented more. I see the search words through my tracker. I see women from all over the world and probably all walks of life.We are here. Just silent in our agony.

My positive of the day and what I will leave you with is my Step Daughter told me yesterday:

"You are not just a 'Step Mother' and I love you".

If only the adults in our camp thought the same.