Tuesday, July 26, 2011


The tween years can wreak havoc on the young body. Hormones are a ranging! This induces so much more responsibility for the not yet adult but, not a child preadolescent.

It's hard enough for a parent to try to police or teach these new routines in order for the tween to stay a member of society. It's even harder for the Stepmother.

Most of our basic hygiene is learned at home. So the child of divorce now has two sets of protocol so to speak. What happens when one unit differs from the other?

Usually the Stepmother is the caretaker of her home. It is very hard for her to undo some poor habits that have been taught (or not) so,  what does she do? She cannot ignore or "detach" from this issue as it affects HER house. Enabling from all other  parties is usually the culprit so she suffers in silence.

She may be contradicting the BM. She may seem like a nag. She may seem *gasp* EVIL when all she wants is the best for everyone.

As a CSM, you even get the "you don't have a kid you don't understand". Um, I have Stepdaughters. I was once 13!

This is when the mantra "not my kid not my problem" is mostly said. I ask you, other Stepmothers, to chant along with me while holding up your cans of Lysol.

Monday, July 18, 2011

We don't hate kids...honest!

I have friends from elementary school I reconnected with recently whom I get together with once in a while. Facebook is not only used for hooking up with past loves!

Coincidentally, we have no children. Wonder if it was the water we drank in our hometown? Some are childless by choice. Some are childless by circumstance (no partner or means).

Our G2Gs are fun! However, I noticed something we always end up talking about: children. Yes, the childless women still talk about kids!

I talk about my Stepchildren, obviously. One gal talks about her niece and nephew that she takes care of while the parents work (she works from home). One friend talks about her niece that she guides through teen hood with great wisdom.  The niece seeks advice from her Aunt with situations she may not want to present to her own Mother. One woman who I grew up with since I was a baby, has at least 12 nieces and nephews! She is very much a part of their lives and babysits often!

There is a stigma if you have no children, you must not like them. That is not true. We all talk with laughter and love about these kids we did not give birth too. Obviously for the CSM, there is no common blood bond so it's a wee bit different. However, we are mentors in these children's lives in some capacity and it obviously brings us joy no matter what the connection is. We still enjoy them very much!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Someone stole my heart

...and she weighs probably 8 pounds.

My brother in law needed someone to watch his dog while he and his family went away for a week. I love dogs. I used to have one.  So I volunteered.

I don’t know how I will give her back.

This dog is just one big mush. She loves being loved. She is a genuinely a good dog. I think the hubby is smitten too.  So much, we are contemplating getting one.

Watching the way DH (Dear Husband) plays with her and cracks a smile when she does something funny, make me love him more.  The teamwork is evident too. I called him to tell him I figured out what food she likes better, when she pooped, and how she liked looking out our bedroom window. He took her to work so she wouldn’t be alone. She snuggles with us. She needs us.

A pet is such a great addition to a family. We are happier to get home, laugh before we go to bed at her antics, and love the morning salutations.

Then the "what ifs" start?

I sometimes wonder if DH just had a bad go around the first time and what if we had a kid, would it be different? Is this what it would feel like? I know it is different but, this little animal is a breathing being with a heart. However, she won’t need braces, talk back, or sleep with boys (if we can help it!).

This dog bought us closer.  I don’t know if a child would do the same.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Bridal showers are like Kryptonite

I was bamboozled into going to a bridal shower tomorrow. It's not like I don't like the bride, I really don't know her. I know her Mom via my husband and she is a very nice woman.

Any kind of shower to the CSM can be like being fed to the lions. It's common for her to have anxiety beforehand. There will be Mombies and Grandmombies galore at these events.

A Mombie is a new 21st century creature. She is the woman even the regular Mommies hate. Something in her brain triggered a staggering effect at the moment of delivering her baby. She changes. She forgets her college education, any books she's read, and politics she may be able to discuss. She also does not possess the ability to not make her child an extension of herself to the point of narcissism. Not all Mothers are Mombies. In fact, some of the blogs I follow are written by Mothers. One Mother has five kids and STILL has opinions and a view. The Mombie does not. There is no cure. Not even her child growing up into an adult. In fact, the disease worsens and the Mombie child cannot function in a regular society that will not cater to him/her, nor can they compehend why. They therefore cling to their Mombies more. That's what the Mombies feeds on.

The CSM feels very isolated at these events. She does not fit in. The Mombies can't stop talking about baby poop or their school children who are involved in 10 million sport activities. The Grandmombies are obsessed usually from being bored because they were Mombies once too! They look at you like they don't know what to make of you. They remind you: "They are not yours you know. They have a Mother". "You don't know what it's like". They make you feel like you can't possibly know or love a child you are not related too nor do you have the right. Thanks for the reminder.

The childless women don't treat you any better either because you "have kids". You are a leper now. I was actually turned down by a childless study because I had "kids". I told the researcher: "That's not how most of the population thinks".

Don't get me wrong, there are also women who don't make you feel like an outcast. Usually, these are the younger ladies who never had kids and don't get it or have not been tainted yet (bless their hearts). Or it's the woman who doesn't care for her Mother and says "I wish I had a Stepmother to talk too". Occasionally, I get the adult who had a Stepmother they actually LIKED and are very kind!

I never pretend to be my SDs' Mother. I am not. However, I can talk about them with the same zeal of a BM. I can talk about rearing tweens because I was still a part of the process. I can love them a lot. Besides, I am childless, remember, I have no idea "what it's like"  so therefore have nothing else to compare it too.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My Stepdaughter squared taught me a lesson

The Mother of my Stepdaughters (BM= bio Mom), has a Stepdaughter as well. They are what we refer to in the step world as a "blended" family. A blended family is usually when each partner brings a child into the relationship. My BM is custodial of her SD (Stepdaughter). Due to the fact that my BM and I have an amicable relationship and my husband is a very generous man, we sometimes take the Stepdaughter the nights we have the girls. She is a good kid.

Unfortunately, there was an Internet outage in my area this particular night. Anyone who has a teen these days knows that's like cutting off your kids' right arm. We had to provide entertainment (TV is not enough now). I remembered stumbling upon some old videos on my computer of  my Stepdaughters when  I first met them. Birthday parties, Christmas, etc... I thought we'd all get a kick out of it. I noticed the Stepsister started to sulk. She left the room. When I asked my SDs about this, they replied that she always does this when they look at old videos of pictures prior to her arrival.

Then it hit me. I basically did to this Motherless Stepdaughter what the world does to me as a childless Stepmother!  I refuse to watch videos of my SDs younger. For two reasons. One, I missed the younger years of the lives of two kids I care about the most. Two, it is like watching your husband have an affair over and over again. It is something you don't get unless you are a CSM (childless Stepmother). I think this is true for even a regular Stepmother. However, I think it is more painful for us ("you'll never know what it is like" rings in your head too).

I pulled her into another room and said I was sorry. I had not realized the pain I caused her. I explained to her how it was hard for even me to watch videos of my SDs from the past. She then replied "because you weren't there" (she GETS IT!). I nodded. I wanted to tell her also because it's too painful to watch my husband, and the rest of his family for that matter,  go gaga over kids I did not bear. But, I thought, she is 14, TMI. She then said "Also, my Mom "lost" my old videos". This girl's Mom is a drug addict and lost custody of her. It broke my heart. I just hugged her and said I was sorry.

Being a CSM has taught me to be more compassionate and understanding of others. Just because I think someone should "suck it up", they have a right to their feelings and NO ONE should tell them to get "over it" (As my SDs said).

The Motherless Stepdaughter is very similar to the Childless Stepmother!

I am a Childless Stepmother

Is it juxtaposition or an oxymoron? Just saying it sounds wrong but, it is who I am. I never planned it that way. There are others like me. Each situation is different. They may be childless by choice, childless by circumstance, or cannot conceive. So not only does your knight in shining amour not have children with you (which is the reason why marriage was institutionalized in the first place), he had them with someone else. That "someone" else will always be in your life like any Stepmother will have to deal with but, it's even harder to deal with when she shared the reason for being a woman with your husband (or partner).

I read somewhere that you are not complete as a woman unless you conceive. I guess that I will never be complete. This is what society will always think no matter what year it is or how far women have come. You are expected in having everything: a career, relationship, and a child. No wonder why most women are in therapy or taking medication!

Now add in that you basically are kind of like a Mother (I use that term very loosely) in that you do all of the daily routines and still yet, are not "the Mom". The whole world reminds you. Even when your own Stepdaughter says "Stop saying you are childless, you are not!". If only the world would think like a 10 year old.

I am hoping this blog gets a lot of followers of all different kinds. The childless Stepmother is more prevalent in this day and age more than anyone thinks. We just can't talk a lot about it because it goes against the institution of marriage. The same institution that the government decides on if you "qualify" (gay marriage).