Friday, July 27, 2012

It's OK to be selfish

Lately I have been feeling guilty. I don't fawn over my SDs as much. It's not because I don't love them, but it is a mixture of a few things.

One, they are teens now and really want to be with friends, not boring adults. Mostly what I say is outdated anyway (WHO AM I?!?).

Two, I have competition with 3 other women and it is exhausting sometimes. BM, her Mother and my MIL. To be honest, it's not so much BM, but the GMs! I even think they rival with each other secretly.

Lastly, I feel like I have forgotten my passions in the last 5 years of this journey. I got to thinking I am not good to ANYONE, including my SDs, if I am not happy with my life. Plus, I am not the Mom. I know that. Part of that stings, but part of it really leaves me free to pursue goals. Which I have!

There is an article by one of the writers of  No One's Bitch 's Jenna Korf. It really explains what I am going through and makes me feel like I am living the right choice.

Had enough of the Mom or Stepmom? It's time to move on.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Actions will always speak louder than words

I was at my MIL's a while ago. Seems like any pictures of me in them are in cabinet with SOME glass. The wedding "parent" book I made 2 years ago has been put away. On display are all pictures of her Grand kids, daughter of her wedding 10 years ago, daughter with husband, picture of DH with girls, etc. None of me in them are out; not one. The ones in the cabinet are probably maybe 2.

This isn't a vanity thing, it's a FAMILY thing.

I think she did that because she has BM's parents over sometimes.

I don't care how nice she is to me or what she says (which is very genuine; I adore her), but the sad reality is I WILL NEVER be the Mother of her Grand children despite making her OWN son much happier than BM. Her grand kids are her world so in pecking order it's them, BM, and then BM's parents feelings that will always reign first.

One of the many isolating and lonely realities for a Childless Stepmother.

Monday, July 9, 2012

This is for the Stepkids out there...

I sometimes like to think about others in the step dynamic.
What is going on in my life now reminds me of the step child and perhaps if a CSM has a baby.

I have a dog who is still considered a puppy. We are dogsitting another dog who is older. My dog is relentless at pawing, nipping, bothering, stealing from, and annoying this poor other dog who is nothing but quiet and good hearted. She is basically a big mush with good manners. She never hurts her back (although she should!!!) yet still, my pup has to annoy her to no end.

Becasue of this, my husband and I sleep in different rooms. The guest dog is often chased and pawed at for doing nothing. She gets put in her crate when we go to work like it's punishment. She is probably wondering where her family is and what she did or is doing wrong to deserve this.

I feel so bad for her (to top it off, a wild cat jumped on her and tried to hurt her when we were walking!).

But yet, I still love my  annoying pup and hug her. She is having stomach problems because she feels almost like her territory has been taken partially over. That includes any type of affection from me or my husband.

This reminds me of Step so much....