Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My Stepdaughter squared taught me a lesson

The Mother of my Stepdaughters (BM= bio Mom), has a Stepdaughter as well. They are what we refer to in the step world as a "blended" family. A blended family is usually when each partner brings a child into the relationship. My BM is custodial of her SD (Stepdaughter). Due to the fact that my BM and I have an amicable relationship and my husband is a very generous man, we sometimes take the Stepdaughter the nights we have the girls. She is a good kid.

Unfortunately, there was an Internet outage in my area this particular night. Anyone who has a teen these days knows that's like cutting off your kids' right arm. We had to provide entertainment (TV is not enough now). I remembered stumbling upon some old videos on my computer of  my Stepdaughters when  I first met them. Birthday parties, Christmas, etc... I thought we'd all get a kick out of it. I noticed the Stepsister started to sulk. She left the room. When I asked my SDs about this, they replied that she always does this when they look at old videos of pictures prior to her arrival.

Then it hit me. I basically did to this Motherless Stepdaughter what the world does to me as a childless Stepmother!  I refuse to watch videos of my SDs younger. For two reasons. One, I missed the younger years of the lives of two kids I care about the most. Two, it is like watching your husband have an affair over and over again. It is something you don't get unless you are a CSM (childless Stepmother). I think this is true for even a regular Stepmother. However, I think it is more painful for us ("you'll never know what it is like" rings in your head too).

I pulled her into another room and said I was sorry. I had not realized the pain I caused her. I explained to her how it was hard for even me to watch videos of my SDs from the past. She then replied "because you weren't there" (she GETS IT!). I nodded. I wanted to tell her also because it's too painful to watch my husband, and the rest of his family for that matter,  go gaga over kids I did not bear. But, I thought, she is 14, TMI. She then said "Also, my Mom "lost" my old videos". This girl's Mom is a drug addict and lost custody of her. It broke my heart. I just hugged her and said I was sorry.

Being a CSM has taught me to be more compassionate and understanding of others. Just because I think someone should "suck it up", they have a right to their feelings and NO ONE should tell them to get "over it" (As my SDs said).

The Motherless Stepdaughter is very similar to the Childless Stepmother!

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