Friday, September 27, 2013

I am back from teenage hell

Well...that is not 100% of the reason why I was gone for a while, yet, there are so many reasons why I am back.

I wanted to shake off this feeling only a CSM can understand. I started to pursue goals and dreams only the childless woman can achieve. Let's face it, having kids changes your life and amount of free time. It's changed mine and I am only EOW.

I have achieved a lot of positive things. I have done stuff for ego/monetary gain and some of compassion because you know us CSMs, we have TONS of compassion.

Yet I still can't shake off this feeling. It compounds more and more in my head and heart. It is definitely better than it was 5 years ago, but it rears it's ugly head whenever my MIL smiles at a baby, my DH cries at something his daughters does, or the one that cuts the most; someone gets pregnant.

I don't want to give away too much but someone in my friends circle is pregnant. She has no business having another child. She gets many, I get 0. The injustice is painful and makes it hard to get up sometimes. It would be a heck of a lot easier if I wasn't a SM.

I try to focus on the positive, but I am not an Aunt or something like that.  I have no blood connection to a child. I don't know that "feeling" every woman talks about. What I do know is I have no one to blame but myself which makes it harder. I didn't want kids in my 30's and met my husband later in life.Not too late, at the cusp of too late and it was either leave him or try to get pregnant on my own and that would be stupid for so many reasons. Plus,, he is undoubtedly, the love of my life.

I am back to posting and trying to be positive through the pain. I would love it if people commented more. I see the search words through my tracker. I see women from all over the world and probably all walks of life.We are here. Just silent in our agony.

My positive of the day and what I will leave you with is my Step Daughter told me yesterday:

"You are not just a 'Step Mother' and I love you".

If only the adults in our camp thought the same.

7 comments:

  1. Came across you blog in a trawl through the internet as I usually do pre-stepchildren access weekend. Your thoughts resonated with so many of mine. I never wanted children, had a full and varied social life, sufficient money, did a fair bit of travelling them, bam! Mid-forties I meet the love of my life and, like you, I am on the cusp of fertility. He didn't want any more kids (he has 2 teenagers) and I was coming round to thinking I might do but of course by now it was pretty much too late unless I left him and went off and did it alone and the only reason I was thinking this way was because I had met HIM - so that would have been pointless. I find the life of a childless SM a lonely one, even though I am only EoW - I feel an outsider and not part of this cosy family unit which was formed way before I came along. I could post more but work beckons! I am glad I found you. Thank you for sharing. x

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    1. I am glad you found my blog and that it comforted you. Our stories are similar. It does get lonely. No matter what; you are not related! It's those subtle reminders. It does get better with time as memories are made, but it seems like everyone wants to relive the younger years especially when they are teens. Keep reading and commenting please!

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  2. Would love to hear more about your family and how you are doing. Feel free to read by blog also!

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    1. Thank you Table! Great blog and I will be following!

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  3. Hi! A friend recommended this blog to me today so I'm new here. Would love an "initials" glossary so I can make out what's going on (EoW, MIL, DH, etc...). Thanks! :)

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  4. Hi Anon! Thanks for reading. Here is a great resource: http://www.stepmommag.com/common-abbreviations/

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  5. Sorry - I am very late commenting on this because I only just found this blog now. I just wanted to say that I am sitting all the way "over" in Scandinavia and I know exactly what you are talking about. I am a childless stepmom too. Childless because my partner is older than me and after the divorce he has suffered from depression. He has 3 kids from the age of 7 - 22 and just can't face doing it all over again. I love him to bits and can't see myself leaving him to try for a child on my own though that would also be impossible for so many other reasons. How I know those feelings. The feeling that it is so unfair when he gets all teary over his own children and expects me to feel blessed that his kids are in my life (now that I can't have my own).. The things we do for love...

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