I know some of us are having a hard time with the CT shooting. My thoughts...

What has occurred is horrific. This should never of happened and is devastating.

I know it is hard for us to hear, as childless women,  people say :"As a Mother..I am crying. You can never understand". Another kick in the gut. Now we lack empathy. I think even as a non parent, most of us are crying. What about us stepmothers that got close to our stepchildren? We can all agree young children are innocent and precious..our own or not. What about teachers? Principals?  This was a horrible tragedy that affected us ALL.


This leads me to an encounter I had.

I know a woman with two young ones. She once told me she purposely sought out teachers that have kids to teach her children and if the teacher does not have kids of their own, she transfers her children to a class that has one.

I found that offensive on two notes.

One, maybe some women under 30 who teach just didn't have kids yet.

Two, being childless does not make you an unsympathetic teacher.

When I was in elementary school , I had a teacher who realized I was being mentally abused. She took me under her wing. I remember our lunches and her praise. I will never forget it. It was important. Yet, she had no kids of her own (yet, she was 28 or 30ish).

How about the teacher that shielded the kids and died herself during this tragedy? She was 27 and  had no children of her own  YET (I think another didn't either, but not quite sure).

My stepdaughter told me her favorite teacher is childless (by choice; she said her and her husband travel a lot).

I can get why parents say you "don't get it" because they could never "get" my situation. But I always give them the option to try on my shoes just for a while.

The holidays are a stressful time of year for us

Don't worry, you are not alone. Take time for yourself. Don't sweat the little things. Remember you cannot change others, so don't make yourself nuts. Heal and be thankful for everything else. Love.

LeeAnn Rime's breakdown

So I read this article about LeeAnn's breakdown.

Immediately, I thought, her breakdown was caused from being a Childless Stepmother.

Imagine being one in the public eye?

Why is the ex jealous of you? Why does she talk bad about your husband to the kids?

Sometimes I wonder what these BMs are thinking by making stupid comments out of jealousy to the SM. I also wonder why in the WORLD they would bad mouth the Father (especially to a daughter therefore creating unhealthy male related issues) and spread lies out of PARTIAL truths.

I found this blog post by stepfamily coach Jenna Korf . While it was very informative, it still makes me a bit irate. Any Mother that would go out of her way to make her child have issues based on her OWN, baffles me.

Or maybe not. Being a Step parent, I have heard and seen it all...

Childless by choice: selfish?

Here we go again. Those that do not want children are selfish, according to this guy.

Yes, because having a baby when you don't really want one is considered selfless, right? Saying you want children so "I can leave legacies of me behind" or "have someone to take care of me when I am old" are FABULOUS reasons to procreate, right? Having a baby because of family pressure and not desire is the way to go, right?

I can tell you at least HALF of the divorce cases exist because the couple married young and felt :it was the right thing to do to have kids despite the marriage being in trouble.

I love how the couple in the picture is drinking. Ya know, because CBCers are drunken whores.

http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/

Something to make you laugh

Sad, but true!

Evil Step Mothers are made, not born.

I was away for my Birthday. My husband obviously couldn't get me a card. He offered to buy me something where we were, but my suitcase was overflowing with gifts for other people like my SDs, etc.

When we got back, we had a small dinner. They lit a pound cake for me and sang Happy Birthday. I didn't want gifts, but no cards...nothing like that. No name on a cake even....

Yet, when it is someone in DH's family's BD, we HAVE to get a gift, save a date for a party, and sometimes make a dish or desert. For the kids, we actually get EXACTLY what they want told to us.

The next day after we got back, no card from DH or SDs. It's not like they didn't have the time. My MIL took my SDs clothing shopping for school and spent a lot of money on them, but no card for me. My DH is not busy at work either.

Again, it's not gifts, it's acknowledgement.

And that my friends proves the theory that a Step Mother is second class.

A childless one is worse because she doesn't even have kids to wish her a Happy Birthday.

It's time for this CSM to be EVEN more selfish or as Disney says: EVIL!


ps: I GUARANTEE that BM gets a gesture and card from my IL's for her BD.

A Stepmom meme

I thought it was time for the internet to have a SM meme. My wonderful ex CSM friend made this. Enjoy and spread the word!

It's OK to be selfish

Lately I have been feeling guilty. I don't fawn over my SDs as much. It's not because I don't love them, but it is a mixture of a few things.

One, they are teens now and really want to be with friends, not boring adults. Mostly what I say is outdated anyway (WHO AM I?!?).

Two, I have competition with 3 other women and it is exhausting sometimes. BM, her Mother and my MIL. To be honest, it's not so much BM, but the GMs! I even think they rival with each other secretly.

Lastly, I feel like I have forgotten my passions in the last 5 years of this journey. I got to thinking I am not good to ANYONE, including my SDs, if I am not happy with my life. Plus, I am not the Mom. I know that. Part of that stings, but part of it really leaves me free to pursue goals. Which I have!

There is an article by one of the writers of  No One's Bitch 's Jenna Korf. It really explains what I am going through and makes me feel like I am living the right choice.

Had enough of the Mom or Stepmom? It's time to move on.

Actions will always speak louder than words

I was at my MIL's a while ago. Seems like any pictures of me in them are in cabinet with SOME glass. The wedding "parent" book I made 2 years ago has been put away. On display are all pictures of her Grand kids, daughter of her wedding 10 years ago, daughter with husband, picture of DH with girls, etc. None of me in them are out; not one. The ones in the cabinet are probably maybe 2.

This isn't a vanity thing, it's a FAMILY thing.

I think she did that because she has BM's parents over sometimes.

I don't care how nice she is to me or what she says (which is very genuine; I adore her), but the sad reality is I WILL NEVER be the Mother of her Grand children despite making her OWN son much happier than BM. Her grand kids are her world so in pecking order it's them, BM, and then BM's parents feelings that will always reign first.

One of the many isolating and lonely realities for a Childless Stepmother.

This is for the Stepkids out there...

I sometimes like to think about others in the step dynamic.
What is going on in my life now reminds me of the step child and perhaps if a CSM has a baby.

I have a dog who is still considered a puppy. We are dogsitting another dog who is older. My dog is relentless at pawing, nipping, bothering, stealing from, and annoying this poor other dog who is nothing but quiet and good hearted. She is basically a big mush with good manners. She never hurts her back (although she should!!!) yet still, my pup has to annoy her to no end.

Becasue of this, my husband and I sleep in different rooms. The guest dog is often chased and pawed at for doing nothing. She gets put in her crate when we go to work like it's punishment. She is probably wondering where her family is and what she did or is doing wrong to deserve this.

I feel so bad for her (to top it off, a wild cat jumped on her and tried to hurt her when we were walking!).

But yet, I still love my  annoying pup and hug her. She is having stomach problems because she feels almost like her territory has been taken partially over. That includes any type of affection from me or my husband.

This reminds me of Step so much....

More magazine touches on a CSM issue

I have written More magazine on one or two occasions. It seems like some articles paint the Stepmother in a bad light. Today, I was surprised to see that the editor herself, came to the realization that step, especially the childless part, can also be hard on the Stepmother.

Lesley Jane Seymour • Editor-in-Chief More magazine

Beat them or join them?

I had a bad CSM weekend.

MY SDs, although good hearted, are teens. Do I really need to say more???!!???

The talking back and questions when they are told to do menial tasks is maddening. I am the Father on the weekends because my DH works. I also give up lots of other plans to supervise them. I don't have a Mom to help.When my DH gets home, the last thing he wants is to hear me bitch so I keep in inside. I think bio Moms go through this too, though.

But to add insult to injury, my in-law's are now BFFs with BM's parents. Nice people, never rude to me, but still. NO ONE gets it unless you are the second wife. I constantly have to hear about it in MY HOME.  Enough already. It's over and over...

It also seems like all of the sudden, my SDs get more calls with questions from BM and her Mom like what they are doing, what they ate, etc..
WTF???!! REALLY???!!!

7 years later and you ask now???????!!!!!!!!!!!

DH sometimes says it's small talk.
Who knows?


Then to make matters worse, we went to visit their Great Grand Mother; DH's GM.

All she did at lunch THAT I PAID for (not to mention carfare and gifts), how BM's Mom visits (WTF??!! AGAIN??WHY NOW??) and how great BM is. How her and BM always had a connection (this is what you say to the second wife???!!!). BM this BM that and she is a great person. Truth be told, she likes BM because she always buys her stuff and I love GGM , but she is materialistic. She even try to hoodwink me into buying her shoes he did not need while visiting. Did they forget BM was not always perfect in the beginning and although not evil and basically a good person, has lied to DH many, many times?

By the time I got home I wanted to SCREAM! I complained to my fellow SMs but dare not tell DH.

He'll just say "well the alternative is that none of us get along".

He's not a second husband/ childless Stepfather.

He'll never get it.

So do I beat them or take on BM's family since they are kinda nice (I know they are secretly catty sometimes, but not evil. Normal in Step dynamics I guess) . I mean, I don't really have a close family of my own so maybe I should embrace them (I don't think they will ever 100% embrace me though because I am not blood and they are very tight knit)?

If not only for my sanity...for future dealings?

Thanks for reading this far.

I have had a full Childless StepMother month.

BM had been diagnosed with something life threatening. She pulled through so far via a procedure. Nothing prepares you for this on so many levels. NOTHING.

I had my first combined family celebration for my SDs and survived!  I really learned that sometimes it is not your SKs, DH, nor the BM, but EVERYONE FREAKING ELSE!

I leave you with this photo for the weekend.

It says it all.

Mother's Day

This is probably the hardest day of the year for us. NO, we are not delusional in thinking we are Mothers via biology but, let me dissect it for you.
The whole holiday is to give thanks for all that Mothers do. Right? So, we as, SMs, do not cook, clean and do laundry for our stepkids? We don't give monetarily? We don't support? We don't comfort?
I guess it's all just a bad (or good) dream, right?

Oh and then there is the cards. I know that some of us came into our stepkids' life later or may not have a relationship, oh but there is a card for you too!

I would rather get no card at all than the on the bottom. Also, note that it is a very child like card so chances are "Dad's Wife" does for you what most Moms do. Hallmark should be ashamed ("why yes, we have a card for that!"). I guess you can give your favorite Uncles' wife a "Uncle's wife Day" card!

I want to let everyone know, my SDs give me cards. Mother's Day, not STEP. They write things in them. In fact, the year my Dad was dying of cancer, they recorded messages for me (and I was only ENGAGED to their Father).

Happy Mother's Day all Step Moms! Childless, fur Mommies, Blended Mommies, and also the ones who are not "Step" yet. Thank you for all that you do!

The ghost can scare who it can....

I cannot stand that my in laws keep bringing up BM's family CONSTANTLY in MY house. On a holiday I am hosting, nonetheless.

I leave the room, table, or whatever and no one notices. If it were my SDs, ok, but it is not. There is no reason for the bringing up either. I hate it. Then they wonder why I don't hang out so much. The sad thing is, I really love my in laws but, the pain is so bad sometimes. It does get better though with time, though. I think of the saying above.

I think I will bring up all of my successful ex boyfriends at next dinner. Or perhaps my past sex life because DH is bonded to BM by sex; theoretically, right?

No one ever lets you forget you are the second wife and not the Mom

This blog post can go for any SM but, was especially hard for me as a CSM.

My DH's Grandmother is in a mental ward. She had some shock treatments and we visited her (she had them before). We took my SDs. Since they are both under the age of 14, they were not allowed in (they had to be 16). We also could only visit one at a time so DH went in first then me. I sat and talked to her for 10 minutes and then we went to the double locked doors that had windows so she could wave to my SDs.

She then told the nurse "Those are my girls". "This is my grandson's second wive so those aren't hers".

This woman can't remember where she lived, her son's death, where she was, or how to dress herself.

But she remembered that I was the second wife and childless.

Why becoming a StepMother is hard...especially if you have no children of your own.

Sometimes it is hard to 100% discipline my SDs. I have the blessings of DH and BM but, they don't get it. There are certain boundaries you cannot cross. I am NOT the parent or relative, for that matter.  It's very frustrating at times.

There are also not a lot of women to ask. A Mom and Step Mom are different. A childless StepMom usually has childless friends who don't want to hear it (but yet are curious...I have someone at work who found my blog and reads it...how and why I do not know). Your friends with kids don't understand or make you feel worse about it.

To explain better, I am referring to a great sample article by StepMom Magazine (a really good positive online source!) to try to explain it.

If you are a SM, a CSM, know someone who is, or a Stepchild; read it!

Top 10 Reasons Why Becoming a StepMom is More Difficult Than Becoming a Mom

"it's not the same"

OH man if I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

A lot of Bio Moms who are Step Moms tell me that I only love my SDs because I have "nothing to compare it too". Maybe not. But I know Love...

It was refreshing to meet a BM who was also a SM tell me she loves her SDs the same as her own daughter.

Why is that so taboo? Why do people always want to force old school thinking of "blood is thicker than water".

I don't love my Mother.

There I said it.

Different views.

A lot of times the bio Father and bio Mother have different views. Typically, we side with our DH's. Not to be an adversary to BM, but we married a person who shares our values and most likely, we agree with him.

But what happens when you disagree with BOTH the BM and your DH?  Do you tell your step child what YOU feel?

This came up for me. I know it is bad to not side with my DH. We must be a united front. However, it was something I felt strongly about. It was something I just could not agree too.

Luckily for me, they really didn't ask my opinion but, I came up with a speech for the future.

"I have to side with your parents because they want  what is best for you".

This way, I am not going against DH and BM OR my beliefs.

Comments FROM ALL STEPMOTHERS are welcomed on this tough subject!

The toothbrush is mightier than the sword!

I was on one of the Stepmother closed groups of Facebook yesterday. A SM posted a story that brought back memories and made me realize something.

A toothbrush is the ultimate significator of the seriousness of a new relationship.

Let me explain...

When I was dating men, I realized it was serious when they said I could leave stuff at their apartments (I even think there was a Sex in the City episode where Carrie was excited Big let her keep stuff at his place). The ultimate item is the toothbrush. Why? Because it is not tucked in a drawer or closet, it's OUT for EVERYONE to see. Not only that, it's usually sitting next to the man's toothbrush..sometimes touching.

Well, what happens when the GF or new SM has her toothbrush mingled in with Dad's? CHAOS!

When I first was dating DH, every other Saturday night I stayed at my MIL's because my place was too small for the kids. I did not mind as I love my IL's and we had many a great night. After 4 years though, I realized it might have been 50% the worst thing I ever done. I should of did it once a month. But I digress (save for another post)...

Anyways, I had a toothbrush there. It was next to DH's (who was living there to save money due to CS). One day, I went to use it and realized it was gone. I looked all over. MIL found it with her cleaning supplies under the sink. She said she didn't remember putting it there. SD1 had a very hard time with me in the beginning (note: things do change and she loves me now). I KNEW she put it there and I WAS not going to use it. I asked her if she put it there and she lied. I could tell she was lying. However, I did not get mad. I realized she was having problems adjusting. This actually helped me realize it and treat her with kid gloves. I let her ALWAYS have her feelings, as well as communication, and I suspect that is why we get along great now. Needless to say, my new toothbrush was securely in a case hidden in the house.

The SM posted a similar story yesterday on the forum. It made me realize the significance of the toothbrush so ladies...
beware.

Leaving a toothbrush in your new beau's bathroom is like opening up a can of worms. Be ready for the attack!