New year, new attutude!

You are fabulous no matter what your child status is. You are amazing. Treat yourself well. Raise your glass, you accomplished a lot. You matter. You are loved.

You can't control your situation but, you can control your happiness. See your glass as half full, not empty.

Start the new year off with this new outlook and I promise it will get better!

Thanks for following my blog, the comments, and the emails. I hope I eased some souls in this difficult journey.

Extend the olive branch

Just try...

My BM invited us over for a drink when we drop the girls off Christmas Eve. My husband asked me what I wanted to do. Much to his surprise, I said yes. My girls are getting older and I have to get used to blended family occasions throughout the rest of my years. I just hope any of my in-laws don't intrude or it becomes a dog and pony show.

I  invited her over Christmas day because it is just going to be her, her DH, and parents. She thanked me but said they had dinner reservations. I told her I am sorry if it felt weird and she said no and was glad we got along.

Would it have been weird for me? To have BM in MY HOUSE? Yes.

But...

The band aid has to come off someday.

Isn't it better to just stop putting off the pain?

The holidays are especially hard for us

I think for any Step Mother it is. For the childless ones, it's even harder. It's a reminder of our situation and it's lack of  control or tradition.

Blogger lets me know how people stumble upon my blog via keywords. I can tell by the search words so many of you are in pain. I understand. This time of year is the worst.

Keep in mind, you may not BE a Mother but you DO have an influence on a child's (or children's ) life more than you may think or know. You are an adult role model. YOU CAN establish new traditions to share. You are not replacing anyone, you are adding/enhancing. I said it once and I will say it again, you can be maternal without being a biological Mother. Some biological Mothers are not maternal at all (My Mother!).

Also, don't try to be so perfect during this time of year. Do your best but don't over extend yourself and keep your expectations realistic. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be of no good to others and also not a pleasure to be around!

What you think they are feeling may not be the case.

I take prenatal vitamins for my hair and nails (ladies over 40, it works!). My GYN suggested it. She also said "just in case!".

My SDs found the bottle. They asked me if I was pregnant.

I told them why I was taking them.

My one Step daughter said "Good I am glad you are not pregnant".

I asked her why. I didn't just get mad or upset. I wanted to know WHY!??? Does she hate me? Not want to be #1 anymore?

She said "I'd be jealous another child would see my Father more than me"

That was it.

So I told her "Those feelings are normal. But it hurts me that something that could be so wonderful for me and make me so happy, would make you so sad".

She hugged me. She said she was sorry. She then said "It would be OK then".

Communicate. Find out why. Discuss.

It's not always what you think.

Is a baby always a blessing?

I was pregnant once (total accident; used protection). I didn't keep it. Although it is a big regret of mine, I knew it was the wrong situation. The Father wanted nothing to do with him/her at first and treated me very badly (sadly; he asked me to marry him once it was too late and he realized he was wrong).

I often find women have babies for the wrong reasons. To reconnect with their husbands when really everyone can see they are not right for each other. This usually backfires once the baby can walk and draws them further apart. They have them even though the marriage is over to please others and have society view them as "normal". They also want to keep up with the Jones'. I guess being in a very unhappy marriage or divorced with 3 kids is better than being without. The children usually grow up with a bad view of relationships and repeat their parents' mistakes.

See, I thought I was doing the right thing.

As another CSM said
"I dont think children are always blessings per se. I do know they're innocent of adult choices. And some circumstances are not blessings for children."

Holidays and Infertility

For the ladies who are dreading the holidays and are frustrated, here is some hope and comfort for you.

website and video Redbook

Fairytales can come true. It can happen to you...even if you are the "evil" Stepmother!

Too bad it took a tragedy to bring them together, but a heartwarming story nonetheless. Yay for you Gabrielle Giffords!

story

Babies are a blessing. Guess I am not blessed.

I watched as my MIL (Mother in law) had an ear to ear smile as her youngest Grandchild opened his birthday gifts. It was adorable to see. But it made me sad deep inside. I didn't show it of course. This is part of being a childless female, you learn to keep your real feelings inside. This is why childless Stepmothers have the highest rate of depression.

I wish that I could give her a Grandchild to bring on that much joy in her life. I didn't. Someone else who married my husband did. That someone else will always come first because of her Golden Uterus. Not me. She will also always be forgiven and get away with things most women can't.

And if I forget, I have others to remind me of my childless status.

My SIL (sister in law) said to me when talking about our dogs, that she knows (like she walked in my shoes) that I consider my dog my baby. She considers her youngest son her baby and her dog just a dog.

Thanks for that reminder. Getting up everyday realizing I will never be a Mother is not enough.

Tweendom

I will never judge a Mother of a tween/teen when I see her at the bar drinking one too many.

I will never judge the nasty looks a Mom gives her tween/teen at the store.

I will never judge a Mom of a tween/teen needing lots of  "alone time" .


Mothers of tween/teens, I salute you!

ps: God please get me through the next 5 years, thank you!

Proud Stepmoms!

Not all of us hate our Stepkids. This is a great article and how society usually views us (thanks again, Disney!).

Some of the comments from Stepchildren lead me to wonder though. How many of them (and their Mothers) gave these  SMs so much grief, that they turned into bitches?

Evil Stepmothers are not born, they are made.

Step-Mom Proudly!

Childfree

I haven't really touched on this subject too much and there are many of "childfree" people out there.
Do not understand it?
Watch this:
Childless by Choice

 What shocked me is not the people's choices, but STRANGERS' reaction to their choices.

Children born for a "purpose"

My Mother, who suffers from the worse case of NPD, OCD, and BP disorder, said to us when we were younger :"You have to have kids so someone can take care of you when you are old".

Yeah that's a great reason.

My Mother in law and her Mother were talking about a woman's fondness and over the top care of her dog.  Grandma said "oh when her daughter has a baby, she will change".

So you can't just genuinely love dogs AND children? It has to be one or the other? Does she really think that she will "diss" her dog for a baby? So her daughter should have a baby to make her Mother happy?


Seems like Grandma, whose son never married and took care of her until he unfortunately died of a heart attack at age 60 (rest his sweet soul) and my Mom are cut from the same time cloth. Children are born for a purpose. To take care of you or fulfill someone else's needs. 

My Father in law even told us that way back parents lent out their kids as young as the age of four to work in return for bartering items.

I am so glad women are not baby makers only nowadays and that children are born because their parents just wish for the joys of being a parent; not just for pleasing someone else.

Weddings

I am going to a wedding Friday night and dreading it for so many reasons. All of them are somehow step related.

Watching a couple joining in a blissful union with no issues of  step makes me envious. The man has no ex wife to pay money or answer to. The wife has a chance to start her own family and not have a woman from her husband's past to take up space in her head or determine certain factors of her life.

The next issue is my own and I admit it. My Father died 10 months before my wedding. I never got the Father/Daughter dance. It makes me feel so hurt every time I attend a wedding now. My BM got to dance with her Father 3 times (my DH was her second marriage). I got 0 times. I know I should not compare but, it's yet another thing she got that I didn't.

Most people will talk about their kids at these events and I'll get the 5 headed Medusa look of dread when I tell people I am a childless step monster.

The one positive thing is that I am truly, madly, blissfully happy with my husband.

Isn't  that what all this suffering is about?

Discipline

This is a hard one when the child is not "yours". How strict do you get? What lines do you not cross?

I am lucky that DH and BM both are OK with me taking on a parental role which includes discipline however, this is a really grey and DANGEROUS area.

There are a lot of things I turn a blind eye too for several reasons. One is I fear of becoming the "Evil Stepmother" to the girls. The other thing is pissing off the BM. Although she supports me in my role (she is a SM herself), she is still their Mother and naturally her first instinct is to protect them. This also spills over to DH. Sometimes, he can get defensive if I call a bluff he KNOWS is true even though he begs me sometimes to help him. It can be VERY frustrating AND confusing. Don't even get me started with the Grandmothers who, in their eyes, the Grandchildren can do no wrong despite them agreeing they need more discipline. It's enough to make your head spin. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I am starting to think zipping it is the best thing for me. Maybe not for all but, these kids have their two parents and I have to believe that they are ultimately the ones responsible.

Today is National Stepfamily Day!

We're here, we're not nuclear, get used to it!

Go celebrate all that you do, ladies (and gents)! You deserve it!!!

Please keep in mind the pain of someone who is childless; especially a Stepmother

I really am tired of hearing people say "It's so different when you have a bio child. It's just not the same".

Well let me tell you something. I have nothing to compare it to. Please do not steal the joy of when my stepchild hugs me and tells me "I love you". In my head, I hear you saying this and am afraid to reciprocate in fear of being hurt. Why can't you just say: "It's great the love of a child, isn't it?".

Let me tell you something else. You have no idea what it is like to be a Stepmother. Try having your heart ripped out over and over with reminders from society, family, and the television. Family is everything. Your kids are everything. Some of us have no children of "our own" but, make the best of what we have.

I may not know what it is like to be a Bio Mom but you have NO CLUE on what it is like to be a Stepmother.

How can I love them like my own if I can't treat them as such?

Let Love Rule

Lenny Kravitz has it right.

The following can be used in any situation, including Step.

When someone does bad or mean things, maybe they may be unhappy. Instead of getting mad or even, let love rule. Say a prayer for them .

No one can hurt you unless you give them permission to. Love them instead.

If you think good and truthful thoughts, that is what you will bring in. Being loving is all it takes.

We are always evolving. That includes learning to forgive which YOU have control over for a better piece of mind! Forgive with love and good intentions.

No one can steal your joy. No one.

Enjoy your holiday weekend!

Bullying

Bullying is serious. It is especially more serious in this day and age due to the internet and social media sites.

What kind of advice do you give as a Mother and/or Step Mom?

My SDs and my "bonus" SD (BSD=their Stepsister) came to my house. SD1 said "This girl called me fugly". My BSD said "They said I was fat and ugly". My first reaction was: "There will always be people who don't like you but, pay no mind to them. I have heard stuff like that before". They then said "but you are pretty".

That REALLY shocked me. They don't view themselves as pretty? They are lovely little ladies.The tween/teen years are so hard for girls. You want to hug them and protect them from evil/jealous people but,  how will they learn? They have a lifetime of that they need to be prepared for!

My other worry is this forms a backlash. They then make fun of others to make themselves feel better. That is not good either, I try to explain. Now they are the bullies and the unhealthy cycle begins.

Women are worthtless in society unless they procreate!

The above statement is mentioned in many books and movies. Not in that exact form but, in so many words. Let me break it down.

"The whole meaning of life is to have children": Ok so curing cancer is out of the question?

"You do not know unconditional love until you have children": So I guess infertile women will never know true love.

"The reason to get married is to have children": Yeah tell that to children of divorce. I guess if you are not in love, you should get married anyways. Also, again, I guess infertile women should suffer more by never getting married as well.

"Your kids will always be there for you no matter what and you need them to take care of you when you get older": Go visit a nursing home and ask all of the old people how often their kids visit. I bet 50% don't even talk to their kids.Kids are not guarantee caretakers.

I also assume these women are worthless since they had no children:

Rosa Parks
Joan Of Arc
Florence Nightingale
Ayn Rand
Diane Sawyer
Marlo Thomas
Oprah
Coco Chanel
Susan B. Anthony
Julia Child
Betty White
Stevie Nicks


You do not have to be a MOTHER to be MATERNAL. Biology is not what makes a Mother. Just ask Casey Anthony.

History builds a relationship

What a bio Mother or Father has with their child is a bond of history more than anything else.

"Remember when this happened or we did that?" I often used to hear my skids say to my DH. I used to cringe becasue it was before me and involved BM.

But you know what took away that sinking feeling in my gut? Time.
Time that built history.

What makes any relationship or friendship is stuff you go through together. Peaks and valleys; the whole kit and kaboodle. Some memories will make you laugh and some will make you cry.

So if I could give any CSM advice, I would tell her that time not only heals all wounds, it builds history. YOUR history with them.

So now I hear "remember that time we..." to me. I even have pictures to prove it!

Awkward moments

A lot of people think my Stepdaughters and I look alike. It is very common for some to say to me when we are out together "your daughters" when referring to them. Of course they assume they are my daughters. Very understandable. However, for the SM of any kind, it can be awkward.

You want to lie just so you don't have to explain. However, that could get back to the BM you are evil and trying to take over. On the other hand, by correcting the person and explaining, does it hurt your Stepchild into thinking you don't view them as your own (in a sense)? Or that you don't love them enough to just fib a little?

There's also that uncomfortable silence sometimes. People not around step, fumble. Then the people who try to be politically correct say "same thing". No, it is not.

It's just another awkward moment in a CSM's life...

Hygiene

The tween years can wreak havoc on the young body. Hormones are a ranging! This induces so much more responsibility for the not yet adult but, not a child preadolescent.

It's hard enough for a parent to try to police or teach these new routines in order for the tween to stay a member of society. It's even harder for the Stepmother.

Most of our basic hygiene is learned at home. So the child of divorce now has two sets of protocol so to speak. What happens when one unit differs from the other?

Usually the Stepmother is the caretaker of her home. It is very hard for her to undo some poor habits that have been taught (or not) so,  what does she do? She cannot ignore or "detach" from this issue as it affects HER house. Enabling from all other  parties is usually the culprit so she suffers in silence.

She may be contradicting the BM. She may seem like a nag. She may seem *gasp* EVIL when all she wants is the best for everyone.

As a CSM, you even get the "you don't have a kid you don't understand". Um, I have Stepdaughters. I was once 13!

This is when the mantra "not my kid not my problem" is mostly said. I ask you, other Stepmothers, to chant along with me while holding up your cans of Lysol.

We don't hate kids...honest!

I have friends from elementary school I reconnected with recently whom I get together with once in a while. Facebook is not only used for hooking up with past loves!

Coincidentally, we have no children. Wonder if it was the water we drank in our hometown? Some are childless by choice. Some are childless by circumstance (no partner or means).

Our G2Gs are fun! However, I noticed something we always end up talking about: children. Yes, the childless women still talk about kids!

I talk about my Stepchildren, obviously. One gal talks about her niece and nephew that she takes care of while the parents work (she works from home). One friend talks about her niece that she guides through teen hood with great wisdom.  The niece seeks advice from her Aunt with situations she may not want to present to her own Mother. One woman who I grew up with since I was a baby, has at least 12 nieces and nephews! She is very much a part of their lives and babysits often!

There is a stigma if you have no children, you must not like them. That is not true. We all talk with laughter and love about these kids we did not give birth too. Obviously for the CSM, there is no common blood bond so it's a wee bit different. However, we are mentors in these children's lives in some capacity and it obviously brings us joy no matter what the connection is. We still enjoy them very much!

Someone stole my heart

...and she weighs probably 8 pounds.

My brother in law needed someone to watch his dog while he and his family went away for a week. I love dogs. I used to have one.  So I volunteered.

I don’t know how I will give her back.

This dog is just one big mush. She loves being loved. She is a genuinely a good dog. I think the hubby is smitten too.  So much, we are contemplating getting one.

Watching the way DH (Dear Husband) plays with her and cracks a smile when she does something funny, make me love him more.  The teamwork is evident too. I called him to tell him I figured out what food she likes better, when she pooped, and how she liked looking out our bedroom window. He took her to work so she wouldn’t be alone. She snuggles with us. She needs us.

A pet is such a great addition to a family. We are happier to get home, laugh before we go to bed at her antics, and love the morning salutations.

Then the "what ifs" start?

I sometimes wonder if DH just had a bad go around the first time and what if we had a kid, would it be different? Is this what it would feel like? I know it is different but, this little animal is a breathing being with a heart. However, she won’t need braces, talk back, or sleep with boys (if we can help it!).

This dog bought us closer.  I don’t know if a child would do the same.

Bridal showers are like Kryptonite

I was bamboozled into going to a bridal shower tomorrow. It's not like I don't like the bride, I really don't know her. I know her Mom via my husband and she is a very nice woman.

Any kind of shower to the CSM can be like being fed to the lions. It's common for her to have anxiety beforehand. There will be Mombies and Grandmombies galore at these events.

A Mombie is a new 21st century creature. She is the woman even the regular Mommies hate. Something in her brain triggered a staggering effect at the moment of delivering her baby. She changes. She forgets her college education, any books she's read, and politics she may be able to discuss. She also does not possess the ability to not make her child an extension of herself to the point of narcissism. Not all Mothers are Mombies. In fact, some of the blogs I follow are written by Mothers. One Mother has five kids and STILL has opinions and a view. The Mombie does not. There is no cure. Not even her child growing up into an adult. In fact, the disease worsens and the Mombie child cannot function in a regular society that will not cater to him/her, nor can they compehend why. They therefore cling to their Mombies more. That's what the Mombies feeds on.

The CSM feels very isolated at these events. She does not fit in. The Mombies can't stop talking about baby poop or their school children who are involved in 10 million sport activities. The Grandmombies are obsessed usually from being bored because they were Mombies once too! They look at you like they don't know what to make of you. They remind you: "They are not yours you know. They have a Mother". "You don't know what it's like". They make you feel like you can't possibly know or love a child you are not related too nor do you have the right. Thanks for the reminder.

The childless women don't treat you any better either because you "have kids". You are a leper now. I was actually turned down by a childless study because I had "kids". I told the researcher: "That's not how most of the population thinks".

Don't get me wrong, there are also women who don't make you feel like an outcast. Usually, these are the younger ladies who never had kids and don't get it or have not been tainted yet (bless their hearts). Or it's the woman who doesn't care for her Mother and says "I wish I had a Stepmother to talk too". Occasionally, I get the adult who had a Stepmother they actually LIKED and are very kind!

I never pretend to be my SDs' Mother. I am not. However, I can talk about them with the same zeal of a BM. I can talk about rearing tweens because I was still a part of the process. I can love them a lot. Besides, I am childless, remember, I have no idea "what it's like"  so therefore have nothing else to compare it too.

My Stepdaughter squared taught me a lesson

The Mother of my Stepdaughters (BM= bio Mom), has a Stepdaughter as well. They are what we refer to in the step world as a "blended" family. A blended family is usually when each partner brings a child into the relationship. My BM is custodial of her SD (Stepdaughter). Due to the fact that my BM and I have an amicable relationship and my husband is a very generous man, we sometimes take the Stepdaughter the nights we have the girls. She is a good kid.

Unfortunately, there was an Internet outage in my area this particular night. Anyone who has a teen these days knows that's like cutting off your kids' right arm. We had to provide entertainment (TV is not enough now). I remembered stumbling upon some old videos on my computer of  my Stepdaughters when  I first met them. Birthday parties, Christmas, etc... I thought we'd all get a kick out of it. I noticed the Stepsister started to sulk. She left the room. When I asked my SDs about this, they replied that she always does this when they look at old videos of pictures prior to her arrival.

Then it hit me. I basically did to this Motherless Stepdaughter what the world does to me as a childless Stepmother!  I refuse to watch videos of my SDs younger. For two reasons. One, I missed the younger years of the lives of two kids I care about the most. Two, it is like watching your husband have an affair over and over again. It is something you don't get unless you are a CSM (childless Stepmother). I think this is true for even a regular Stepmother. However, I think it is more painful for us ("you'll never know what it is like" rings in your head too).

I pulled her into another room and said I was sorry. I had not realized the pain I caused her. I explained to her how it was hard for even me to watch videos of my SDs from the past. She then replied "because you weren't there" (she GETS IT!). I nodded. I wanted to tell her also because it's too painful to watch my husband, and the rest of his family for that matter,  go gaga over kids I did not bear. But, I thought, she is 14, TMI. She then said "Also, my Mom "lost" my old videos". This girl's Mom is a drug addict and lost custody of her. It broke my heart. I just hugged her and said I was sorry.

Being a CSM has taught me to be more compassionate and understanding of others. Just because I think someone should "suck it up", they have a right to their feelings and NO ONE should tell them to get "over it" (As my SDs said).

The Motherless Stepdaughter is very similar to the Childless Stepmother!

I am a Childless Stepmother

Is it juxtaposition or an oxymoron? Just saying it sounds wrong but, it is who I am. I never planned it that way. There are others like me. Each situation is different. They may be childless by choice, childless by circumstance, or cannot conceive. So not only does your knight in shining amour not have children with you (which is the reason why marriage was institutionalized in the first place), he had them with someone else. That "someone" else will always be in your life like any Stepmother will have to deal with but, it's even harder to deal with when she shared the reason for being a woman with your husband (or partner).

I read somewhere that you are not complete as a woman unless you conceive. I guess that I will never be complete. This is what society will always think no matter what year it is or how far women have come. You are expected in having everything: a career, relationship, and a child. No wonder why most women are in therapy or taking medication!

Now add in that you basically are kind of like a Mother (I use that term very loosely) in that you do all of the daily routines and still yet, are not "the Mom". The whole world reminds you. Even when your own Stepdaughter says "Stop saying you are childless, you are not!". If only the world would think like a 10 year old.

I am hoping this blog gets a lot of followers of all different kinds. The childless Stepmother is more prevalent in this day and age more than anyone thinks. We just can't talk a lot about it because it goes against the institution of marriage. The same institution that the government decides on if you "qualify" (gay marriage).